The past few days have been an interesting time. As Grandma Thomas slowly fades from this life into the next, those of us that love her are not honoring her and her memory. I include myself in the "us". For me, my memories of Grandma are not always good memories. She has always had a certain way about her and if you did not toe the line in the way she felt you should (i.e. her way) she had no problem telling you this. Grandma was a controller at nature (I share this trait with her) and liked to control everything around her. This could be frustrating and annoying to say the least. However, the good memories of Grandma far outweigh the bad.
Grandma was constant. You always knew/know how things stood with Grandma. If you didn't know, she would tell you. Nothing changed. It has only been in the last year that the davenport (or couch/sofa for all you non-Thomas's), gold chair, and draperies have been changed...for the exact same pattern/color/style of davenport/gold chair/draperies. She was unchanging in not only her decor but her opinions and love for each of us. I remember being called honey most often, but my favorite endearment of her's was when she would call me "precious".
Grandma was loyal. Even when you knew you were in trouble with Grandma, she would defend you with her whole being to the rest of the world. She loved and fought and defended with her entire self for those of us who were lucky enough to be loved by her.
Grandma was a mother to all of us. Who doesn't remember the eggs and cornflakes (the most awesome breakfast ever for those who aren't in the know)? Each of us got the care packages with "such good information" that she had picked out for each of us. Many times I wondered what it was about me that inspired the AARP subscription when I graduated from high school, but she always had one or another of us in mind when she was picking out those articles/coloring pages/crossword puzzles. I remember spending hours at a little copy place off of Main Street in Bountiful copying hundreds of copies of the articles that she thought were so helpful. When my mother couldn't be a mother to me, Grandma was my mom. She would stand out back with David and myself and play ball, even though her bursitis in her knees would make her cramp up.
Grandma was a hysterically funny person, even without meaning to be. Every time she cussed around me she would immediately apologize. As I got older, that was one of the funniest things she would do. There was a little old man down the street that was about 6-8 years younger than her. He shovels her walks, takes out her garbage, and does little acts of service for her. One summer evening a few years ago, I was helping her in the kitchen and he came to the door with some vegetables from his garden. She thanked him and gave him a Shasta and a Little Debbie. After he left, she turned to me and worried, "I hope he didn't think I was getting fresh!" She was serious, and I was doubled over with laughter. She was well into her 90s at that point and he was in his late 80s. And I can't even count the times I was told to "Shut up" in that tone of hers that no one will be able to duplicate. Some favorite words: hush, egad, oh hell, any "80 years" comment, and shut up.
Grandma was an intensely private person, but would give someone in need the shirt of her back and tried so hard to help others. In all of my almost 34 years that I got to spend with her, I only heard her talk about 3 women that she considered friends. Even then, to this day, I still don't know their first names. There was Mrs. Treft (the next-door neighbor), and her 2 visiting teachers that faithfully served her for years. Every time I would call (which wasn't as often as I should have) or visit (again, not as often as I should have) I would ask how she was doing and after a cursory answer, she would immediately turn the conversation to me and how/what I was doing. Who of us can truly say that we truly knew Grandma? Other than things that I would hear from family, I can't say I feel like I knew her how I wanted to know her. Despite how private she was, she was always looking for people to help. Several years ago, Mom found that Grandma was sending money to many different charities (most of which were fraudulant...going to the same address in Las Vegas). She wanted to help though. At the same time, Mom also found that she was getting solicitations from many different "sweepstakes" companies that required a small cash amount (usuallly $10-$20) to enter her into the "sweepstakes". When Mom asked why she was entering, she started naming off members of her family that she felt could use the help. It wasn't for her, it was for all of us. Mom had to start monitoring the mail that day.
Every day for the past several years, my mother has gone at least once a day to Grandma's. She has taked care of the medication. She has made sure that she ate (on Friday she had to feed her, since Grandma could no longer grasp the fork). She has gone through most of the hundreds if not thousands of photographs trying to identify them for her. She took Grandma to hair appointments, doctors appointments, shopping. After Grandma couldn't leave the house without a great deal of effort and with a lot of pain, Mom found a doctor that would come to the house. She arranged the life alert button and was the one that they would call (at all hours) if Grandma had fallen. She would be the one to help Grandma up if she fell. She cleaned Grandma up if she had an accident. She is the one that Grandma would snap and snipe at as the dementia set in. She arranged for the hair appointment for Grandma each week. When Grandma's food tastes changed, she went to Subway for months on end and bought her club sandwich. Then when they changed again, she went to Carl's Jr. for their Chicken Club sandwich. Again for months on end. The only days that she didn't go to Grandma's was when either she or David were sick and she didn't want to expose Grandma. It has only been in the last couple of months that there has been a nurse there full time. She is the one that sat with Grandma each night and held her in the last months of her life. Grandma always loved that it was just the two of them and often commented that this was just how she wanted it to be....just the two of them. She is the one that put her to bed each night and tucked her in and stayed with her until she fell asleep. She is the one that made it possible for Grandma to die in her own house. She is Grandma's voice now. I commend her. After the life she lived in that house and with all of the memories, she is the constant that Grandma was. She is Grandma's daughter.
Those of us that love Grandma Thomas are dishonoring her and her memory. Again, I include myself in the "us". I would like to be there with Grandma and my mom. But that is me. This is not about me. This is about Grandma. I have never known my mother to be selfish. If she truly felt that Grandma would want us there, she would have us there despite what Mom wanted. I have my feeling of guilt...the should haves. But this is not the time or the place. I choose to honor my wonderful, spirited, not stubborn just knew her own mind Grandmother AND my mother by staying away and letting Grandma go the way she wanted to go.
I know we will all miss Grandma tremendously and grieve for the hole that she will leave in our lives. I love each member of my family and know my mom does too. I don't wish for there to be discord between any of us especially when we are all missing the same person.
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